He's here 🤍
We've been soaking in the newborn bubble, loving on sweet little brother through a hard month.
Our sweet boy is here. Daphne’s little brother. Clarke Arthur.
He arrived earlier this month, on his due date with just minutes to spare. And we couldn’t be more in love.
We’ve been home soaking in the newborn bliss, grateful for every second we have with him; alongside grieving and missing his big sister who should be here.
January 23rd marked one year without Daphne, and holding our sweet nine-day-old that day helped soften the edges. It will never be his job to heal us, but his little life will continue to bring us pieces of healing.
We see bits and pieces of Daphne in Clarke; while Clarke also is his own unique person. He isn’t here to replace her. And also, his sweet soul continues to offer us hope.
Hope as parents, seeing the world once more through our child’s eyes. Hope for a future where Clarke gets to grow up. A future where we see his personality in its fullest. Where he learns to roll over, crawl, walk, say “mama” and “dada” and try different foods.
A future where we have the privilege of potty training, of helping him work through his big toddler to teenager emotions, of seeing him try new things. A future of scraped knees needing to be kissed, of first days of school, of dreams being chased.
Losing Daphne a year ago changed me. I always knew life was fragile, but now I understand it even more intimately. All these dreams and hopes for my children aren’t guaranteed. But I remain hopeful that we’ll get these moments – that we’ll get the time – with Clarke.
This sweet, snuggly, silly boy truly has been our sunshine amidst the grief. He’s already brought us such joy and peace, making us laugh daily with his silly faces and constant noises.
He feels like he’s someone I’ve known forever. Like he’s always been here. Like he wasn’t meant to be anywhere else. And I know he’s meant to be our exactly at this time, exactly as he is.
Thinking back to the Fourth of July, opening our gender results and seeing “male,” remembering how my heart sunk as it felt like our daughter died all over again, I now can’t imagine him being anyone else.
And it’s like I said back then, it wasn’t gender disappointment because I didn’t want a son; it was a clean cut from the life that had been laid before us as girl parents. And a second girl wouldn’t have fixed it, because we’ll always be missing our oldest daughter, our firstborn, our Daphne.
But shifting my brain to thinking about raising a son instead of a daughter like I had been dreaming about was something I had to work to envision for myself. The closer we got to meeting Clarke, the more he felt right; and the moment I held him, I felt a piece of my heart fall into place.
And feeling that connection so instantly, feeling like I’ve known him for so long, I can’t help but imagine I’m feeling Daphne through him.
That he and Daphne played in poppy fields up until the moment he made his speedy arrival right on his due date. That maybe, just maybe, Daphne told him all her favorite things about us before sending him our way. That she helped show him the ropes, and really leaned into her big sister role while they were between heaven and earth.
Clarke’s birth and arrival has been full of joy and light.
The community that helped us celebrate our first baby, then held us as we grieved – and continue to grieve – her, are showing up so fiercely to celebrate our second baby. I learned with Daphne that it truly does take a village to raise a baby. And it takes an even fiercer village to grieve a baby. Now, I’m seeing how deeply special it is to have a village to hold space for both, while we welcome yet another little love into our family.
Our village means so much to me – to us.
And as we continue to love on our newest little squish, small pieces of our shattered hearts will continue to come together in a newfound, prismatic shape.
Our family of four doesn’t look how it should, but it brings this mama heart so much peace to know both my kids are so deeply loved. That Daphne is loved and missed and remembered and her name continues to be said. And that Clarke is growing up surrounded by a community full of love and light.